When Kids Misbehave, don’t blame them for your reaction!

You are at a restaurant with your closest friend and Carson your 7 year old son. Carson starts to misbehave. First, he tries to get up and leave. You bring him back. Then he starts to scream and bang his fork and spoon. It is embarrassing and it is disturbing your conversation with your friend and other diners sitting nearby. Carson asks for your phone to watch a video. At first you refuse. Carson keeps up the demand for the phone.

Fortunately you are prepared. You take out paper and crayons. That does not work. You then take out a few favorite little toys. That does not work. Now you are annoyed at him. But finally, with a sigh of resignation you hand Carson your cell phone to watch a video. That immediately quiets him.

Uh-oh, now you feel guilty and defeated. You have been told not to allow too much screen time.

Then you reflect and eventually decide it’s OK. Here is your reflective thought process…..

You recognize you can’t both talk to your friend and pay attention to your child. You must choose. You realize your child is not being difficult. It is the situation that is difficult for your child. He’s probably bored and having a hard time sitting there for so long, so he is just trying to get your attention. You also reflect on the reason for your behavior. It might be your friend really needs you today to talk about a problem she is having, so you want to give her your full attention.  Or it could be you need to just have time to relax with your friend and have a break from your child.

The scene here is a restaurant. But similar misbehavior can happen anywhere– in the car, in the supermarket, when visiting relatives or when you have an important phone call.

What should you have done? There is no right answer. Choosing to give your phone or not give your phone are both fine options. In other words, it depends.

Reflective Parenting gives you choices. Choose what is going to work best for you, for your child and for the situation.

But no matter what you choose to do, the point is to be honest with yourself. Take responsibility for your actions and your reasons for taking those actions.

Here is what I mean. Often a parent’s choices are based more on the parent’s needs and feelings than on their child’s. In such cases your role is to recognize that what you are doing is about you and not about your child.

The benefit of being honest
 is that you can turn a situation like giving in about the cell phone into a reflective learning experience for your child.

  • At the restaurant you might say, “I know it is not good for you to watch too many videos, but in this situation, I can’t pay attention to you, because I want to talk to my friend.”
  • In the car you might say, “I am having a really hard time focusing on my driving while the two of you argue in the back seat. That’s why I am going to give you my cell phone to watch a video. I don’t like to give you my phone just to have you be quiet in the car. But this time I’m doing it to keep me calm.”

Wow! What a gift to your child. This kind of reflective language with your child is critical to your child’s social and emotional development.


See the full blog post on Regina’s website: http://reginapally.com/advice/parenting-tools/when-kids-misbehave-dont-blame-them-for-your-reaction/ 

Children & Anxiety

CRC’s Co-Director and Founder, Regina Pally, talks about a recent article on children & anxiety from The New York Times…

If you have a child with anxiety you are not alone. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and can be beneficial in some situations. For some children however, anxiety can become excessive, and interfere with daily life. And what’s tricky is that kids often don’t say they are anxious. They say things like “I hate school. I don’t want to go.” Or “I have a stomach ache” Or sometimes they are very demanding or uncooperative. This article talks about why anxiety is on the rise in teenagers. Even though this article focuses on cases of extreme anxiety in teenagers, it is worth reading for any parent who thinks their child is anxious. One of the best points is that once you realize your child is not a demanding and uncooperative child, or is not just lazy and trying to get out of going to school, you will be in a better position to respond in a helpful way. Also, it will remind you that anxiety has many sources and that there is never just one right way to treat it.


How to Talk with Children about the Tragedy in Las Vegas

Sunday night’s mass shooting in Las Vegas was disturbing and frightening to us all.

As parents and people who work with children many of us have the understandable instinct to shield our children from this national tragedy. But how can we shield our children from the atrocity when screens and media are everywhere? We can’t.

What we can do, however, is support our children’s healthy coping with a frightening news story by calmly providing them with filtered, developmentally appropriate information about the event.

First and foremost, we need to let our children know that they are loved and safe, and that such events, while very scary, are rare and unusual.  We need to share this with our children while doing our best to remain calm and steady ourselves, focused on the child’s sense of safety and wellbeing.

This is hard.

A good place to begin a conversation with children of all ages about the shooting is to simply ask them what they have already heard about it and then listen to what they have to tell you. Explain as much of what happened as children can understand developmentally and keep details to a minimum. Avoid graphic details about the tragedy.  You want to provide children with enough information so that they know what has happened. Graphic information and images should be avoided.

Invite them to ask questions of their own. Let their questions guide the conversation and provide clarity and reassurance where needed. It is common for younger children to have fewer questions compared to older children. A good rule of thumb is to answer the question asked. Too often, well-intentioned grown-ups generate anxiety in their children by providing too much information. As you talk with the child, pay attention to how you are feeling, and what you think the child is feeling. Encourage the child to express their feelings, and validate those feelings. Listen carefully for any unstated concerns or fears and observe your children looking for any changes in behavior. Be prepared for your child to return to you with questions over a period of time, a few hours, days and even weeks. We want to be able to tell children something hard and true, that: “Sometimes, very bad things happen, but we are strong enough to deal with those things together.” This sends the powerful message to a child that life can be difficult but that difficulties can be managed and coped with. It is a message that is aimed at building resiliency.

Here are some suggestions about how to talk about the tragedy with children of different ages.

With children under the age of 3 years old, especially those whose exposure to media is minimal, we recommend that you NOT be the one to initiate the conversation about the shooting. However, we do encourage you to be prepared to have a conversation with them about it. If you get the sense that your child has heard or seen something about the shooting, you will want to talk with them about it. Always start by asking them what they have heard.

Given the likelihood that preschool age children will learn about the shooting, we encourage you to be the child’s source of information about the event, rather than learning about it in the media or from another child. Ask the child what they have heard and then provide them with a straightforward and accurate description of the event. With young children, grown-ups often err on the side of being too vague with what they share. If your description is too vague, children may not understand why so much is being made of the event. You want to convey to the child that it is okay if this news upsets them, and that you are there to support them.

Even with elementary school-age and adolescent children, begin your conversation by asking them what they have heard, and what questions they have about what happened. Your conversation can be guided by the child’s questions. Keep in mind that even though older children may seem more savvy and sophisticated they still will likely find the news of the shooting unsettling and need to be reassured that their upset is understandable and normal and that you are interested in their feelings and available to support them as they accommodate and cope with what has happened. With older children, it will be important to discuss images and content they will likely come across on their screens and to develop a plan minimize exposure to graphic imagery, and to share anything they come across that they find to be disturbing with you. You may also want to inquire if there is anything they would like to do in response to the tragedy. Older children often want to do something because taking an active stance makes them feel less helpless. At the same time, however, you don’t want to feel pressured to act. If they are not interested, that’s fine too.

Regardless of the child’s age, we encourage you to highlight the following points as you talk with the children in your life about the Las Vegas tragedy.

◦      Events such as what happened this week in Las Vegas are rare and unusual.        

   ◦      Children are loved by their families and communities.

   ◦      Their feelings are natural and normal in such a situation.

         You are interested in their feelings and thoughts about the tragedy. And it is important to share them, especially their concerns.

   ◦      The adults in their community are trained to keep them safe and will always work hard to ensure that happens.

   ◦      The vast majority of people in the world are good and these people are working to make sure events such as this do not happen again.

Talking about an upsetting event like this recent shooting poses a challenge for adults, but such conversations provide an important way to convey to children that their sense of safety and wellbeing is important to those who care for them.

For more information:

American Academy of Pediatrics


How can we help children feel safer about their fears?

Earthquakes, hurricanes, renewed threat of nuclear war. We are living in uncertain, and even, frightening times, and children are aware of these dangers around us. This terrific opinion piece by Dr. Susan Lin, a psychologist on faculty at Harvard Medical School, provides a useful take on how we as grown-ups today can help children feel safer about their fears about nuclear war by speaking with them differently than grown-ups spoke to children in previous generations.

-Melissa Jacobs, CRC Leadership Team


“Like Open Heart Surgery” – Our Leadership Team shares their thoughts on separating from our kids

Regina Pally, CRC’s Founder and Co-Director, discusses an interesting article she found in the New York Times.

Lots of kids have difficulty separating. It can be very hard on parents, especially if they don’t understand just how normal it is for separation to be difficult. The human species is actually designed for separation to activate the pain system. It hurts at a physical level- with some hurting more than others. But it can even hurt for the most resilient of us. This article illustrates how cool and collected President Obama felt like he was having open heart surgery when separating from his daughter as she went off to college. Letting your child know it’s normal to feel upset about separating can be the first step in helping to reduce their pain. If you make a child feel badly about being upset, it can activate a shame cycle that actually exacerbates the pain. In fact ‘normalizing’ all negative emotions is a very useful tool when trying to comfort a child who is upset. The point is to help your child develop coping skills for their difficult and painful emotions. But the message should always be to accept the feelings as normal.

Read the article here: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/27/us/obama-malia-harvard.html?emc=edit_tnt_20170927&nlid=42842877&tntemail0=y

Mindful of Equity – A Review from our Leadership Team

Natalie Levine, a member of CRC’s Leadership Team, shares with our readers her thoughts on an important article on being mindful of equity…she says:

“I found this article in a magazine for educators called Teaching Tolerance, a project of the Southern Poverty Law Center.  It addresses some important concerns and steps to take when teaching mindfulness to classroom students.  Among these is the importance of helping teachers become aware of their own intentions, feelings, and biases about their students as well as the importance of trying to figure out what underlies difficult student behavior:  Why might this be happening?  Where is this behavior coming from?  I found it relevant to our program, because our  curricula for parents and for teachers uses mindfulness as a tool, is concerned about self awareness around biases, and is grounded in the importance of reflecting on intentions and meaning of underlying behavior.”

Read the article here: https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/fall-2017/mindful-of-equity